D.O.A

We can be good at love

Who cares anyhow,

It’s unlikely at this hour

He’ll show. I know that.

As for you, I don’t care

Suit yourself with someone else.

I checked for signs of life

Falsified evidence of a pulse

While we turned the body on its side

Position; recovery.

We’re dead, I’m sorry.

You were just getting used to me

Think you really knew me

(No, you’ll never fulfil me)

What shall we do with the body,

Fleshed testament of our lust and ache?

I must have really liked you

You show up in some memories and

When I consider those times;

It’s fine, but…

I would have preferred someone better.

Would have liked to worship him

And wear him like jewels around my neck,

His name my chain and best

(We’d take her down to dust, that feminist)

Meanwhile, I’d lead him on a horse dressed in armoury,

With a mouth full of words, speaking amber honey, 'my prince: steer the course

Allow me to kiss your feet before you come down
And hit the brutality of earth...'

Where was I?

Oh yeah, you.

It’s so easy to love an idea.

Why didn’t I kill us sooner?

You say, 'you can’t forget'

Yeah, whatever, if it wasn’t me, it’d be some other her

You’ve got a lot of love, that’s all.

You make it special

And then weary at the work.

All I know is, love is natural.

So get away; you’re drowning out my siren song

You know men can’t help it,

I get all the freaks jumping buckets

Move - give me room to shake my nets,

Listen, I know you wanted a tranquil death

As if.

Men who plan that kind of getaway…

Baby, they don’t.

So, you still want my love: should I trade it in?

Gold for tin? Trash the only currency God gave me?

That which doesn’t know how to tarnish or weaken?

Is that the woman you’d happily have me be?

Most men play at love, they die for survival.

No, we've passed over, Dead on Arrival.

For You

Why did you, why did you, why did you

Summon me?

Why haven’t you, why haven’t you, why haven’t you

Come for me?

Your radium is a cloud, is a crown

Don’t you know how unfair this is?

Possess or free me.

You reserved but have never stepped out to claim me.

Love is not a game to play with

If you’re turning, if you’re turning, if you’re turning

Stop.

I have an electrical leak within my heart

It’s all because of you

Don’t you know?

What you’ve done?

Can’t you feel me?

Don’t you believe in True Love?

Confessions

There’s no room in my life, for anything

I might actually like

I might actually want

It’s a kind of exhaustion, my activities

There’s no hopefulness left

To think about anything; like, for instance,

What it would look like to be … anyhow, who cares.

Things fall into routine

They become easy

Then they become too easy to give up

I wonder about the validity of

Hanging out, with anyone, it’s a type of laziness

This inability to assess

What the next 2o years of my…anyhow, who cares.

Is it a sin, I wonder, to let another wait?

They formulate ideas about me

I didn’t say anything! Honestly. I’m just existing; listing

My life has become the penance, punishment aplenty

Frankly, I’m owed a refund

I think I seriously think that. Early enough in the morning

Anyhow, whatever.

God forgive me, I’ll die suddenly

An angel will say, ‘so, how was it, your time on earth?’

And I’ll wish I hadn’t let it get that way

I’ll regret not turning the wheel on these days

I’ll say, ‘no I didn’t find..’

She’ll say, ‘oh you were right beside him three times in a single day

You walked straight past him on another chance

And then the last time, you blanked him in a café.’

And that will be my second death,

That will be my second death

A life too full of shit

Eating, walking, shopping, watching TV, giving obligatory company

To find out too late, I missed a chance at real happiness.

Too busy to listen to my head,

Really listen clearly, and

Too ashamed to listen to my heart

Listen properly.

Hysteria

I know a woman, she inherited a bridal shop.
20 years shut, the dresses were destroyed, eaten by moths.
But deep in the cellar, she found 500 metres
Bolted like hidden scrolls.

She spent 6 months sewing;
Tablecloths, curtains, sofa covers,
Cushions, lampshades…everything wrapped and glowing
Bed linen, book casings, pot holders, even a pull screen for her shower
And finished with a splendid bouquet of fabric flowers.

I walked into her house, carrying violets
In a white tunic dress
I walked into a dream, into the mouth of a bridal scream
We looked at each other, shadowless.
Her house, freakily, glistened
With exquisite fibre.

 ‘You could have sold it’
I don’t know how to explain, but I really couldn’t’
‘I completely understand’
And I do. I commit the same: same thing, with love.

'I don't like veils' I informed her, as I put one on
Halo like, a bouquet of honesty seeds around my face
And she went for one with polka dots, 'a 1930's style lace'
Then we found gloves, with buttons
And dead elastic baby blue garters
'this is hideous and tacky'
'I know, and it's kind of morbid and scary'

And it did feel like we were trampling on virgin dreams
As we rifled through tattered dresses with name tags on them: Gwen, Louise and Steven.
Then we argued.
About whether or not a woman ever lived, who was called Steven.
And I fought for the right to name children stupidly
Every God given day
Though I don't believe it, I was just feeling argumentative and contrary
And had to have my own way.
'Let's have tea' she said,
Pinning sashing on above her jeans, garland for her waist.

We ate red velvet cake, which always looks so enticing
But really, tastes vulgar and is saved only
By its whipped white cheese icing.
Bright red crumbs spittled across my lap
Pin pricks of blood, congealing.
I took another forkful, watching
Her mouth; brightly stained, pillar red, as she said
‘I was reading, from this book I found in the shop,
Red must be banished full stop.
Fallen on a dress it means miscarriage, death, and of love - a total loss’
‘Aw shit’, I replied ‘I’d better call the wedding off’.

And then we started laughing. And couldn’t stop.

Modern Love

I’m worried about money

Always the same old story

Think I might knock out a baby

Like so many women decide to do

And let a well off man

Worry about my financial condition too.

Just when I met you, overhaul

But you were too slow

She felt ripples beneath the hull

See, you were too good to her

I told you, ‘quickly, get rid of her’

No, no, you had to do ‘the fair right thing’

You ‘didn’t want her to suffer’

Ha!

Instead you gave her the right to think;

‘No sir, you don’t get to send me ashore’

Your witch, she wasn’t going anywhere without a piece of you

But you felt you owed her something, she was so accustomed to be being carried

You idiot, giving her rights to that life, you weren’t even married!

It’s me, the one you wanted

Getting off board.  Into a life raft, sailing alone to shore.

In some ways you’re so innocent

You didn’t stop to think

You thought I was being ‘unnecessarily cruel’

But I knew and know; the ways weak, needy women think.

Modern love, you’re so cynical

Modern love, you have to admit, she fits the bill

Modern love, how could you let her?

Modern love, carry her forever

Modern love, it hurts me to admit, just as in Eden

It only takes one bite to fuck up everything.

I see you at the bakery

Baby tied across your chest

You say, ‘how are you?’

I tell you;

‘I’m worried about money

Always the same old story

Think I might knock out a baby’

And you burst into tears

A grown man

Holding a loaf of lekkerbrot

Outside she’s sitting at a table, drinking coffee

How lovely

Spineless man, you don't deserve to be happy
Go on, go back outside

To your disingenuous family

You embarrass me.

Raven Love

I feel so full of anguish

I’ll be getting on with things, feeling fine

And then I’ll remember

And be swooped with resentment, fear and anger

Those birds come home all the time

I went out today

I’m doing a lot of putting things into perspective

I don’t cry enough

I think if I spent a week

Swollen faced, all at sea in bed

It’d be enough

To release those hormones,

My laboratory serum

Resilience.

But as it is, I busy myself

I try not to think.

You don’t want to change

You like this crazy imbalance cycle

Maybe you’re hooked on feelings

The way I’m hooked on dreamings

You like being told

Better than deciding what to do

And that’s not any kind of road

I’d want to take with you.

Nightmare

I’m not usually a dreamer

I wake, and think acutely, over tea leaves in the morning

And have nothing to say of my sleep imaging

But lately, I find myself

At the same back door

Foot upon the same step

Walking into a room I don’t know

You can’t see me

There’s a woman upstairs,

You’re thinking of putting your hands around her neck

I’m so suddenly scared, I turn to leave.

You say;

You’re whining, why are you whining?

What is it you want me to do?

I stand there, frozen, staring at a faceless figment of you

You get on all fours and turn into a beast, a ring through your snout

I hold the door open, you run out.

Writing this scene dilutes its power, makes it sound so tame;

I don’t know why it makes me wake with a start, so scared

Honestly, it’s a nightmare.

I Wish

Wish I’d met you

Wish I could forget you

Wish your signal wouldn’t persist

Wish I knew if you were married,

Or free instead to receive me
Wish, wish, wish

I’ve been everywhere; a disbelieving whore

Psychics, clairvoyants, mediums, even a shaman

I lied to a Methodist, went along with a Spiritualist, then
I went against my faith for a Priest;

I asked for release

He said, “Woman, plead and fast. Then, wait and see.”

I don’t need wishbone

I need backbone

Pray for me.

Accidentally On Purpose

Your life is shaped by

Accidentally on purpose

Took another wrong turn,

All your talk is worthless.

What you said you wanted

Yer, whatever

Words are full of power, but your words…not so much

You only have to open your mouth to devalue

Any thought you think you have.

Don’t talk to me about ‘the universe’

That Emergency Exit

For creatures with no purpose,

Human will is defined by choices.

The only thing you’ve ever committed to

Was, is, and forever more shall be;

Women who drive you cr – cr- crazy.

All your talk is worthless

Took another wrong turn,

Accidentally on purpose.

Queen of Swords

You’re always taking care of someone

When the needy lamb is you

You’re always taking on that woman’s

Swipe, aren’t you?

You’re always making sure the Queen of Swords

Is absolutely fine

You’re always hanging out your heart

To dry it on the line

It makes you feel like a man, I think

To play the sacrificial saviour

You like to think you take the lead

When really, you’ve been dragged here.

Your armour and shield; both are wearing thin,

But you worry that her wrists might be hurting

Yeah, it’s probably all those

Big bad swords she wielding.

You planted flowers, yet you find yourself

Standing on felled ground, all stalks and bleeding sap

Would you look at that

What’ll it take to convince you?

It doesn’t have to be like this
Love is honest, not manipulative

A relationship’s for two.